Thank you....

I apologize....I know its been awhile but I have been busy...I know you like not too busy to write?!?!? Well, I have so much is going on...Life is finally starting to come together but this morning I woke up with peace! Yes, peace...peace of mind that God is in control of this vessel. I am so thankful for the positive, inspirational, children of his that he keeps around me. I am so ready for the next phase...it has so much promise and hope to better a blessing and fantastic!!!! I thank you for the dream, purpose, and passion to see it thru!

My soul is burning for the IT & HIM.....

I say this cause I am so ready to experience it! I am so ready for the IT- a job! I have not been unemployed since I left college. I know some people who are like I hate it so be happy but thats just not me. I love to stay busy it keeps me out of stuff, from the devil on my back, and it gives me a paycheck. I pray every night that God opens that door, when?IDK. Hopefully soon, I keep asking him to reveal my passion if its not what I think it is...Still I get no answers..Everyday that I get no hope, the more my soul burns. Yes, its a recession and a new group of kids from college will be entering the full time work force soon, what is a girl to do? I just keep searching for answers....

The Him... Wow,I pray for him more than I pray for myself...Its true- I love this man...Nobody understands it( yeah Kim you get it) But see he brings me joy. You see even as I type this I'm smiling thinking of him.He is the type of brotha that makes most sista jealous cause see he is hard to find and a keeper. Yeah wish I had know him 2 years ago might be better off...I wake up with him and go to sleep with him. I see him in my tunnel vision and deep escapades. I see him with no one else is around.Yeah I know God you my #1 and no he is not you but he is of your image. You know the rest....

It sticks to my gut....

So my BFF and I have been trying to get her finances in order all day and it brought up the topic of "equally yoked" . I said you must be marry somebody that financially you have the same thoughts and interests. I said you and your husband are both the same- financially undisciplined! Yes, I said it but it bothers me on how much time she spends on a budget only to go against it.Yes,I know its her life and I thank God everyday for Phillip. Yes, he gave me discipline at a time when I had none financially. So it brought me to the following article and the part that sticks at my gut. Dating Trait #5- Wow, he enriches your life! This means the most to me out of all 5 traits. cause I believe on some level every man gives you 1-4, either in the beginning and it stops, or he learns, or its just a given. But #5 is something most girls,gals,women, and ladies don't look for. Most women don't ever get this in a lifetime and I had that. Someone who gave me that and then some. Who was suppose to help me conquer the world together. So when I read the part in turquoise my gut immediately cringed. Why? Cause once you experience you NEVER ever want to go back to someone who doesn't. He encouraged on all 3 levels- personally(the move- I told you he had me in tears); Professionally(He was saving the world with his Wonder Woman); and Spiritually(Oct 13th- I fell in love- he says remember we make plans, and God makes plans)...


Dating Trait #1: He listens to you

The best way to know if Mr. Next is interested in (and worthy of) being a candidate for Mr. Right? He listens to you. You'll know he's listening when he shows genuine concern, consistently remembers things you've told him (your birthday, favorite food, best friend's name, etc.), and offers emotional support in honest and thoughtful ways.

Dating Trait #2: He connects with you easily

We've all been in those relationships that take W-O-R-K (and suck the life force out of us in the process). When a relationship works on its own, it feels effortless, easy, and fluid. You don't have to force anything, forgive anyone, or turn a blind eye to red flags or gut-twisters. Instead, you communicate and collaborate with comfort, compatibility, and undeniable chemistry. If and when you experience this kind of interaction, you are on to something really special.

Dating Trait #3: He wants the real you

So often, women feel the need to sacrifice some part of themselves to make a relationship work. In the right relationship, there's no need. You don't have to hide, tone down, or apologize for any aspect of you or your fabulous life. With the right partner, you're not only able to be yourself, but you're better able to be the best version of your most authentic self -- no compromises needed.

Dating Trait #4: He's trustworthy

A relationship without trust is doomed from the start. But a relationship with abundant trust? A fabulous foundation for real and lasting love! Built over time, trust is based on the simple belief system that your partner has your best interests at heart and will never intentionally hurt you (and vice versa). If and when you discover that Mr. Next is 100 percent trustworthy, you'll have no trouble giving your heart to him. In return, he'll most likely give you his heart and pave the way for a lasting, loving relationship to unfold.

Dating Trait #5: He enriches your life

In the wrong relationship, your partner tears you to emotional shreds, brings you down, and in general drains your energy. In the right relationship, he enriches your life, inspires you to be your best self, and brings a sense of peace and possibility to you. You'll know Mr. Next is enriching your life if and when he encourages and supports you professionally, personally, and spiritually. And when he does, he may just be Mr. Right!

Dear God, please and I say please if its within your will please give me another chance to experience JJB again. If not him, please send someone that possess the characteristics he had and then some! Amen!

nothing new

Yeah,I know its been a minute since you last spoke to me...Let's see not much has changed! I have spent the week researching nonprofits particularly Bill and Melinda Gates Foundation.I knew there was a lot into setting up nonprofits but nothing like I imagined. So, I am so excited about what is to come from mine. Tell you more later...

Now everyone knows Im a dreamer but the latest are too real. I'm sitting on Oprah sharing my story of how my foundation came about. Tyler Perry there. Kim, Levon, Qua, My sis, Tiff, my mom, my mother in law, my husband with our 1 year old son. You ask who is the husband??? All I am going to say is I saw his face and its some made in God's image:) But the dream was so real and so much fun. You know I believe dreams do come true if you just believe. That's why I'm looking for a job that is going to help me accomplish that.

Kim and I have next week planned to make vision boards together. We have been saying it for months and months and finally decided to do it. Qua and I are planting a garden with flowers that are beautiful and represent us. Levon and I are gearing up for Sundays best and BET Gospel celebration- you know how BeBe and CeCe do:)

Anyway,I continue to pray that God answers my prayers along with my friends and family.until later..

God's Grace..SMH...

It's funny how it takes going thru a storm to truly feel God's grace! I can't explain, I want to but just can't find the words, In due season, I guess. So this whole weekend was a little different from previous ones. I started out Fri watching Why Did I get married? I love this movie! I saw some of my friends in each of the characters:)

Saturday began slow, but I am grateful to God for answering small favors!( Congrats yoyo on passing the math section of the Praxis, just got reading to go this weekend). Then again Movie say. All my favorites came on the Wood, Brown Sugar, Daddy's Little Girl, Stomp the Yard! I love them; all that was missing was Love Jones, and Jason's Lyric.

Sunday was a little different. First it was snowing so I couldn't go to church so I ended up watching Franklin Avenue Baptist Church online. The scripture was my favorite bible verse- Jeremiah29:11- I know the plans I have for you....it beginnings. This reassurance lets me know the father is working for my good. I continued the day by watching Why Did I get married and putting together my destiny. I went to bed with 3 thoughts...

I woke up this morning with a migraine that had me nausea but the same 3 thoughts were there. I don't know how to explain it or who to tell it to. However, there is a feeling that sticks my gut! 1st- I have watched God work his magic on my sister. What I mean is, she is truly growing up in so many ways. She still has along way to go but I see progress that I would have never thought I would see. Thank you God! Thank you!

Next, I heard something this weekend I never thought I would hear along with the facial expression that meant she was serious about it. My mom said she is so looking forward to next year this time. She is retiring and looks forward to traveling. Well, this I knew but its the words after this, that rendered me speechless. She said I'm going spend a week with my oldest sister, going stay and hang out with my brother, I'm going Beaumont and see my aunt. I'm going to take a train ride, I'm going to Conroe with my class, etc. I know you wodnering what's so wrong with this..well if you know my mom she don't like to be bothered with people. If she going with her girls, or Teedie that's one thing but to travel by herself and see her sister that gets on her nerves, to travel to New Orleans by herself, and want to spend time with her classmates is truly unheard of. However, there is a burning inside of me that can't wait for next year so she can live it out. I want to help in every way I can. I love it when her and Uncle Robert ( brother)get together its like a big brother protecting his lil sis and as far Aunt Rose, there is a bond, a bond of care and this is my big sis! I can't wait for her to live it up! Go mama, Go!

Lastly, every movie I watched this weekend had a love story in it. A good one, one that either made me say...awww( stomp the yard) or cry( Daddy's little Girl). However, for some reason. I can't get the feeling out of my gut, that God has me in preparation mode. I don't why I have this feeling, I just do and the feeling strong. I don't know who and when he is going to show up but I have the feeling soon. I just do! So in the meantime, I have to find my purpose and passion. I know what I THOUGHT is was but I'm not so sure anymore. I am leaning on God for understanding cause I have no clue. So in the meantime in between time, I gotta figure out this career, school, nonprofit, family and friends thing.

Emotional Rollercoaster...

I know, I know the title says it all. It has just described the last days...Ive been on a ride....Let's see I have been disappointed, fussed at God & told him I was done only to get back on my knees & give him praise. I have dissected, put together, and move the past, present, and future in 48 hrs. Every time I say I'm done, God sends his warriors in. Levon calls me singing Donald Lawrence- Encourage Yourself. Now, I love Donald Lawrence as a producer, I think he is by far the best in gospel music but I haven't listen to much of his work. So you know I listened to the song, goggled the lyrics, and immediately fell in love with it. There was a message in it and only God could have sent him to call me.

So yesterday morning while in my early morning talk with God, trying to make sure I understand what it is he wants me to do, cause Hell I don't know anymore, I checked my email. Now normally there is some junk mail and a couple of things in the in box but, there was only one message and it was from Tyler Perry. Now, I'm a huge fan of his. Not so much the plays and movies anymore cause once you seen one you seen them all and you there is going to be a spiritual message at the end, but I love him cause he never gave up. No matter what friends and family say,he continued to believe. As I begin to read the email, I asked God what are you up to? The email was titled "Don't Stop Believing". I read it and cried like a baby, because God always seems to know how to get my attention when I'm soooo ready to give up! I told God the day before that I love James Fortune Song " I trust you testimony" because I so relate. While I'm dishing out spiritual and motivational guidance to everybody else, who is praying for me? By no means am I selfish at least not when it comes to praying for others, because if I put you in my circle, then I support you 210% but sometimes, I want someone to stop and ask God to bless me.I say all that to say, in that song, he talks about all the negative things around him, yet I don't have that. God keeps sending positive people who believe in me. Tyler Perry and James Fortune both keep believing and kept trusting God in spite everyone else. Now there are some haters and nah sayers but I got rid of them along time ago. I only deal with the tried and true. Now Tyler had the gift of play writing and James was working with the youth of the church, so its fitting as for why they couldn't stop believing but I don't know my gift. What am I to believe him to do for me? In the mist of their trials, they continue to cast the plays, and write songs, what am I to do??

Side note...So my BFF & I again cried and shared our deepest thoughts. I told her yesterday if nothing else my situation has made us a lot closer. I mean we have been close since elementary school, we would lose each other but always find our way back. We have always had a bond but nothing like now! God always sees the big picture! Anyway, I told her about my love for him. Yes, him. If you don't know or don't know which him maybe someday you will get it:) Anyway, my love for him runs deep and I mean all the way deep. I cant explain it because it is actually embarrassing. It's something that I talk to God all day about. I say that cause 3 people who care about me so much make me not want to wait on God's spouse and give into temptation, the right now, and stability. 1st Brad sends me a text that he really has something deep to tell me but don't want to offend me. Of course, I'm like what is it now. He tells me he wants me to have a child for him. LOL, seriously.. Don't get me wrong we have a friendship, one that dates back to high school. He has always been honest with me and had my back. About to retire out the military in a few years, great benefits, would give me the world or die trying, what else does a girl need or want? However, he has been married, has 2 kids, hates her, about to be gone for 3 years, etc. I know me, I need companionship, and I need someone whose dreams are going to complement mine and I don't see that. I ask God if he is the one, prove it....
Kevin calls because he loves me. Now, Kevin and I have never kicked it one on one but for some reason he loves me. Now he has a great job at Coke in Augusta, Ga. No kids, can sing well, and really a nice guy. However, for me there is nothing more than friendship. I care but not like I care about "HIM". I told him that but he "keeps believing" so again I ask God to show me!
Byron, SMH...everybody knows about him. He calls out the blue. Talking so damn much. It use to get on my nerves but now its funny as hell! Most of it is garbage or lies but I feel privileged because if every time you call me its out the blue, filled with bull s***, then I'm somebody special. He is ready to be married and have kids. So he asks me who I am talking to and I say nobody and he say what you gay or something... I laugh because you still childish and don't know me. I said no, I love me right now. He said well last time we talked( Jan 1st) you was in love with some guy in ATL. Now I don't know if this is a set up of sorts but he knew about Marcus and everything about it! So it is what it is...

I had 3 guys call in the same day but I would trade them all in for "HIM" I got the strangest text from Marcus Gaut last night. Lately he sends me random text, this one was after 10pm, and it said- thinking, I am blessed to know u & have experienced your love. Rest well & may the coming day be as beautiful as u... I said thanks bunches and same to you! God bless! He replied, rest well & keep doing U! I don't know what this means and why he sent this, but I'm going to take it for what it is....Another way God is watching out for me!

and so the tears rolled again..

So every time I ask God to just show me, he shows me what I don't want to see or hear. I found out the job, I really wanted and hyped myself up for, I didn't get it. Why, IDK but I don't want to hear he got a bigger blessing, he working behind the scenes, and all that. I'm totally exhausted in this fight. I thank him for friends like Kim, who truly listens to my heart. I don't know where to go or began again. Not sure if I even want to...I just here and continue to cry and hope at some point my tears will extinguish themselves..

All over the place...please stop

So I went to bed, finishing with the chapters of my books and laying out the foundation for my nonprofit. I had just spent the day going down memory lane and reconnecting with some people I did and didn't need to connect with..LOL.. but it was all worth it. Now, my bff is on this kick to open a charter school, when I just got azz to apply to MBA program. I thought I was all over the place, evidently this crap is contagious! I cant focus on one thing..

I have been reading Monica the singer blog...She is truly a woman of faith! I love her inspiration and belief in God! I also read the wedding bliss of Essence email this morning- I immediately thought of James and I. Why? IDK...I was like God you and I have had this convo, why are doing this???? I love the story of Ayana and Duriel. I pray it works out for them!

I'm suppose to writing brochures, and proposals for the part time job, emailing the lady from the full time job in DC that I have been patiently waiting to here from but I'm losing it. I need to be studying for my 2 test in June. I'm everywhere. I need help to focus.

This brain is in overdrive..God help!

a little bit better

Today seems to be starting out better...at least for me right now... I am having a hard time with this time change..just cant seem to get it right..

Anyway, I went to bed with Levon going under listening to James Fortune, I trust you testimony. I'm telling you, this is my new anthem. I feel him in the song. People always look to you for motivation, inspiration, and guidance. However, little do they know, that you need somebody to pray for you. You need to know that God has not left you. I'm not saying I don't whats best for my family and friends cause Lord knows I wouldn't pray for them, with them if I didn't. I keep asking God whats the purpose for this storm- show me. And like the song he keeps telling me to wait cause even if I told you, you wouldn't believe me- I think that is the part that burns my soul- cause he right, if I saw the blessing out of it, I would be like naw that's not for me...

I woke up singing Wait on the Lord by Fred Hammond & John P Kee. I love this song as well. Soon as I came to this morning, the lyrics were in beaded in my head...

As I past on the daily word this morning...I came across this.....

We fail to wait on God’s timing. For example,
perhaps the Lord has given you an assurance
that He picked out a spouse for you. But years
pass and nothing seems to happen. Don’t get
impatient; the Father is preparing that person
for you—getting him or her ready for marriage.
Don’t rush into something or try to pressure
the Lord. People miss out on wonderful gifts
because they fail to wait on God’s timing.
This is something I wrestle with... I had a talk with my sister this weekend and she said marry Brad or Lee, the guys in the military. She said they have wonderful benefits and you and your kids will be set for life. Now, this I know and believe however Brad already has been thru a nasty ugly divorce, has 2 boys and not sure if he wants more. He lives in Baton Rouge and frugal as hell. Now all this is ok but I'm not attracted to him. Yeah we went to high school together and maybe once or twice we attempted to start something but it never panned it out. However, now that I am older and been there and done that I truly know what I do and don't want. I feel like I'm not meant to be a military wife. I have prayed about and I know both are friends of mine but I cant see them and me together long term. Lee I wanted him before he went into the military but now I just cant see us together, still cant. Only God Knows( 112 song) my heart! But the pressure is so on to just settle. However the wise women of my family keeping saying wait and you will know when its right.

I do believe God has picked out my husband and is molding us for each other. I keep telling my BFF, that I feel it. He took me thru the Marcus deal to prepare me for him. I dont know how long the preparation is going to take but I know I will be EVERY WOMAN!

It started out rocky but he always pulls thru

Ok so I started the morning out real rocky! Crying, nervous wreck.... I'm ready for my blessing.. Yeah, I know its not on my time but his...I didn't want to eat, talk to anybody, etc. However, God always knows how to sit me down and pay attention. I was surfing thru jamglue for the James Fortune song Encore, cause God knows I need a repeat performance but I found a song called I trust you testimony and it said everything I felt and then some. It helped dry the tears. Then I had an hour and a half convo with my BFF on life, Fidel, James, and the blessings to come. I see my dreams unfolding before my very eyes. I wrote out my nonprofit plans and the titles to my five books. Yes, I know I use to hate writing and now I cant stop:) People use to ask how you hate writing and want to go to law school, thats all they do. I would say IDK but I see God working it out. I see my books becoming best sellers and my nonprofit helping people in so many ways in the fight to eliminate health disparities. If I can just get the people to call about this job, Levon is ready to move me, Kim is ready to visit and decorate, and Qua is ready for the CBC event!

God Continue to work on me...I know you have a blessing that if somebody told me I would say they were lying. So keep me near and in the mean time I'm going to continue to fight this battle on my knees.

It continues...

So I just left church and something came over me...hmmm I don't know what it is but something made me write. I promise God is using me in more ways than one. I keep looking at "my season" and I know season change but everyday I feel a stronger connection to God. Like I know he is talking to me. I continue to thank him for his many blessings.. For my situation, for the people that have served their purpose, and the people he keeps around me. They are truly a blessing. So last night I started writing what purpose people serve in my life right now but I am curious as to what purpose I serve in theirs.

I have sooo much to do today and so many thoughts, wishes, laughs, and tears to shed but until later..I'll continue to be sweet, sexy, sassy,smart, and sensual:)

Im addicted....

Yes, I am totally addicted to blogs now....Its sad but I swear its harmless and therapeutic all in the same breathe. I laugh at some, smh @ others, and cry at others. All the while I'm learning, learning about people, society, and me...Ill be back later but I had to tell you about my latest and greatest hobby:)

New me- Sweet, sexy, sassy, smart, and sensual

So I woke up this morning, skipping...yes skipping, keep in mind I went to bed with a headache and a thought...Anyway, I have my music pumped up, get your butt moving to the next level song in my head-Goapele- closer! Cause I am closer to my dreams..I so love this song.

Then I have my I cant wait to experience song- he loves me by Jill Scott. For the last 2 days I have been conducting business with Jill Scott and Erykah Badu in my ears. O, the power of their lyrics blasting loudly while trying to get things accomplished.

Im still mediating over the email of the guy for me from my godsis....I just keep saying dang God look where you have brought me:)I honestly thought that the Steph from 2009 on back was never going to get married b/c the guy would have to have the perfect job, perfect house, perfect vehicle, perfect looks from teeth to shoes, perfect credit score, & just let you have your way. We all know perfection doesn't exist. Now the new 2010 Stephanie husband will be the man that GOD sends you & will be made in his image. Your husband will be a god fearing man, faithful, honest, trustworthy, understanding, determined, & will have nothing but love for YOU. I love it! Thanks!

God keeps showing up everywhere! Last night I thought about all the prayers and ways God was trying to tell me to be patient, I'm working it out for your good- I promise, just give me a little more time. Now, this I know, but I'm ready to enter the next stage so bad. My Bff and I had a all day laugh, cry session( we are starting to have these more frequent- dont know if thats good or bad- examine it later) however, I think we both cleared our conscious and ready for God to take our life to the next phase. She sent me an email yesterday about 3 trees that I love soooo much that I cant get enough of but of course I related it to my life. The 3 trees all had dreams of what they wanted to be someday. When the woodmens came to chop them down they just knew that had gotten there wish- to be a treasure chest, great ship to haul kings and queens, and the last one wanted to be able to see heaven and earth. After a while, they forgot their dreams cause they were set aside. Then the 1st tree ended up being the manger that held baby Jesus- a treasure unlike no other. The 2nd tree ended up being the ship Noah used a great ship. Last one was the cross Jesus christ was nailed to that stretched high to the heavens. Wow, they each got their dreams just not the way they planned. I realized God has done the same for me. I thought when I got ready to move to DC, I was going to be married with a husband and kids but I realized God has a better wish in store. Love it!!!

I'm realizing I might have missed my calling as a P.I. At first Kim said maybe you are going to be a preacher like your national chaplain. I said naw, I don't think so. I have no problem spreading God's word but I'm no saint to do it. Next she says will definitely Private investigation is something you might want to check into. I said I do it as a hobby..lol.. She said but I just asked you to goggle a name and not only did you get his wife name, you got an address and telephone number. I said AND, that comes with the pkg..LOL... Yes, I know I runs credit checks, get phone numbers, email addresses and family info but is it that bad????

So I am really loving the latest Essence magazine. I saved it cause it is all me! My mom even agreed it was by far their best work! So I bought school supplies- yes I love them but cause I'm getting ready for the next part of my life. Everytime I think something is crazy or a waist I realize God is simply preparing me and getting me ready. A good friend said you will be at peace when you see God in the little things( drivers license)...I do! I do!:) Anyway, I decided to email my goals to myself. The red is what is to come and the blue is what I have already done. With the help of a soror I never met, essence mag, and some great BFFs( Kim & Tiff) I came up with this:

Passion is to help people- religious, education, health care-preventive & cost, housing and economics. Both Domestic and Internationally!

1. Start small and start now. Record your goals for the year.
2. Believe in the domino effect- adjust one area and you will likely set off a chain reaction of positive outcomes in others.
3. Go on vice patrol-spring cleaning the heart and mind
4. Forgive someone
5. Give your superwoman cape a rest
6. Pump up your anthem
7. Clear clutter -move
8. See your dreams in Technicolor-Hang a corkboard in bedroom or study, and fill it with photos of what you desire. Add pic of successful sisters.
9. Revel in the attention a great hat gets you
10. Embrace Spring Colors; shop and dress
11. Get your beauty sleep
12. Step out in body-loving style
13. Release your sensual aura
14. Be open to romance- or just a good time. Say yes to the next invitation, or issue your own
15. Relinquish the past
16. Become a DIVA
17. Rev up your sex life- a quickie in a semi-public place
18. Rekindle the spark-letter of appreciation, love letter & then daydream about the delicious time you'll have when you see him later
19. Renew your vows
20. Pray or mediate every day
21. Make a space for grace
22. Reinvigorate your faith
23. Consider your circle; reconnect
24. Make a new friend; networking
25. Do unto others- volunteer; organizations and memberships
26. Expect miracles- Expect God to bring good out of the negative moment
27. Rescue yourself from late payments. Put bills on auto pay
28. Claim a windfall
29. Owe less- pay debts off
30. Splurge where it matters
31. Don't aim for thin-aim for healthy; increase my physical activity
32. Rediscover fruits and veggies
33. Make over your kitchen
34. Savor your food
35. Take a deep dive into the present moment. Breathe.
36. Find your true passion- professional risks; REACH PHENOMEN STATUS; school; dissertation
37. Turn stress on its head
38. Rely on your emergency happy kit
39. Reverse aging instantly
40. Remember it’s never too late

I look forward to this journey and sharing it with family and friends. In the end we will all be what God wants us to be!!!!!!!!!!

"Drop the last year into the silent limbo of the past. Let it go, for it was imperfect, and thank God that it can go." ~Brooks Atkinson

Anyway, I think I have said enough this morning just woke up Closer to my dream...Good luck Yoyo on your test. If God brought you to it, no man can take it away! Be blessed!

God is working it out......

So I am feeling the new Essence magazine, it has me setting goals. I have already started but it hooked me with a soror in DC that is so awesome. Thanks Essence for the networking. I sent an email out asking my type of guy- I realized the 2 people that know me best, hit the nail on the head-My BFF and my Godsis....they truly know the past me and where God has brought me now...My sister got accepted into the alternative teaching program..Im so proud of her..God is truly answering prayers...I'm waiting on my blessing:)

I cant get enough of him.....

GOD is so magnificent! I have truly seen him work wonders this weekend. I couldnt wait to get home yesterday to get the next message in pastor Stanley series- How to know God's will. I have been waiting on this. And it was well worth the wait! I received a text out of the blue early this morning from Levon. It said .... Bae! I wanted to share with you...you may not be able to see it now but God is working on something big for you! He is working behind the scenes. Even though you cant see it know that he is and wait patiently. The storms you experience while waiting are to prepare you for the next level of blessings! When going through look UP not down. Love you!

I said thank you. Cause this I know but made u share this or send this to me? He said God told me to tell you. Honestly! It was a song on the radio by Fred Hammond and John P Kee called wait just a little while longer..then Freddie Haynes did his word for the day...Something said share this with bae!

God only you know what I struggle with internally and today I got my answer:) You are always on time!

Sidenote: I woke with the other him on my mine again. The fantasies get bigger and better!

Why I love him so much...

So today I did absolutely none of the things I was suppose to do! I spent the day whining about Sir James. Him is my heart! I talked about with my bFF, with my godsis, and Davola. I love this boy! I do, I do! Im banging my head against the wall- I love him and was meant for him. Why cant he see that??? Hell everybody knows him and probably sick of me talking about him! This is what I emailed to my BFF today:

Digging thru my emails looking for something I found this stored away... The line in green is what made me fall for this man! The purple is what I missed! I know here we go again but I need to put this boy behind me! I think about him, me, him and me all day, everyday. I know realized what he meant to me, now no Im not ready for a relationship but he was MINE! and now she has him! This guy had me pumped to take over the world together. He made me feel like it was ok, I got you. I was his wonder woman. We had the pet names etc. He made me want to do the little things that I didn't do with Phillip or Marcus. ( like the things most people do in relationships but I always asked WHo does that? LOL) I was ready though and the sad part- I WANTED TO DO them without any hesitation. Like all the little things- I had a dream about it! We had the same idea about romance and picnics, etc.

He was everything I wanted in a guy except age & he lost his virginity late but I got over that! He loved to eat, travel, loved sports, loved music. It got no better than this....

And you cant tell me he didnt have feelings..How do you put them on the backboard or give them up to someone else... I made you change your pizza and you asking me to look for a house for you..huh? Did I miss something????

He called me his WOMAN! Now, I feel like sitting like a special kid and banging my head against the wall for letting him get away...Dont laugh at me cause I know you over there rolling thinking Im nuts. And maybe so..hell we all been there....Im done!

My plans are not as elaborate as yours..lol. I plan on obtaining my JD and P.E. by 2014, and possibly an MBA if not within a couple yrs of that. In the meantime, in between time hopefully I will be blessed to have had a woman in my life that I would like to spend the rest of my life with, have 4 children and become the Huxtables. This being done while being in my current position or as an Officer in the Corp, since either would pay for it. In that same time frame, invest in R.E., and shortly after obtaining my P.E. begin an Engineering/Real Estate Development Firm. Start small and Domestically and expand globally hopefully by 2019, Mainly Africa, more particularly West Africa (Ghana and Liberia). This is a life long commitment. So by 2019, either to join an IGO or NGO, or begin an NGO to leverage myself politically for international relations to help advance my global initiatives. Write a few books on various topics of interest which would include a book on Life which would hopefully be a result of my exposure to the world, hopefully a blueprint on Success and perhaps my own autobiography or memoir. There are also contingencies being built in my plans as I go along...cause we all know that we plan and God plans!! In my opinion the key to life is happiness and what makes you happy today may not make you happy tomorrow.

My interest in music/entertainment has also led me to contemplate incorporating starting an boutique Entertainment Group/ IP Law Firm...lol! I guess I have to do as you did and sit down and organize my plans....but this little exercise has helped but it is frustrating...

That's that in a nutshell..

My fear is like Derwin on The Game tv show- is that he wont come back. I pray it does....

BTW, I vow never to show his butt this:) This is why I love him so much- Monica!

Nothing left to say...

So I woke up battling ME! Anyway, I decided this morning to focus on God and me! I mean it! I cant go back only forward! This is going to be a hard process but its something I must do! I must take everybody else out of the equation and do me!.....

Something so amazing

So, I kept telling myself last week that March was going to be a good month. Why and how did I know- my gut told me this. I felt is all the way in my bones. God knows I think too much and think too hard:) so when I tell you that I have been wrestling with this job situation, the move to DC, educational goals, career dreams, friends the ones to keep and let go, wanting to find that special someone, pissed that I had it and let it go, fear that I wont find him again, fear that if I pursue my educational dreams can I have the kids, husband. My kids are going to be stair-step kids, etc. However, I realized that my faith is strong and Im so grateful God took me thru my situation. Its been a year and a half since I had a job but Im ok. It brought me closer to Jesus, gave me spiritual growth, and let me reflect on me. I love Marcus and always will but long term I doubt we would have made it to the alter! Thank you God for closing that door, that I was trying to tear the hinges off of:) Thank you for taking me thru my situation because I now know who and what friendship is all about. I also meet some great people in the mist and realized you have a purpose for EVERYTHING! I realized if I prayer, you listen.I realized if I fight my battle on my knees, you answer. DC must be where I belong- I get it and everybody is waiting on me to get there. My uncle, moms cousin, and my BFF! Patrick started my Sunday, God you always know how to get my attention. Then the stellar awards was awesome- I cant quit- sitting on top of the world:). My girl Davola got a new job and excited, my sister got a job offer and finally figured out the Praxis..YES!!!! My brother Eric got a phone interview today for a job in VA! God is finally working in and around me. Im getting focused!
Ive had a great day! I laughed at Kim( she says Im always on the line with Jesus she cant get on), babied Phillip( him been sick for 2 days), and thinking that Darren Sharper and James has conspired to get me to talk to him again( Darren might be going to Chicago) What?? Saints need him! Is this the dream about the Saints and Bears babies! LOL.. I bit the bullet and sent James an email cause it was killing me not to talk smack to him. I miss our convo, texts, and emails..O well moving on.....

Faith and what I have learned...

I know its been a while since I wrote but I have been a tad bit lazy mixed with trying to get thru this storm. I just had a convo with my BFF and learned something- My faith is superstrong. Im not bragging but I have watched him work his magic everytime. I cant wait for the blessing that is about to come. I just feel it! Its about to blow me away.
I just came to the realization of something so profound and had to share. Phillip gave me discipline. Discipline in finance, school, and life period. Marcus gave me love. That I know how to and that I want to love again. James gave me hope, motivation, and inspiration. He made me take my game to the next level. Each guy brings me 1 step closer to THAT guy that God has planned for me. He is going to offer me discipline, love, hope, motivation, inspiration, and God's spiritual blessing!

Its on the way- focus on faith..

Ok, where was I...Since I last spoke..The New Orleans are Officially the champions of Superbowl 44. Im so happy not just for the city but my uncle as well. He deserves it! He has been a ticket holder all his life! But it has gave me a new found inspiration and aspiration.

The last week all the things that surround me deal with faith, God's plan, and patience. God something profound is about to happen because never before have I seen or heard it as much. Also every time I goggle, flip the TV, pick up a magazine DC/MD is all I see so I must be on the right track. Lastly romance and travel seem to surround me and maybe cause its close to Valentine, I don't know but I have the feeling all things are about to fall in place. I am confident more so now than before that God is about to open my door, I don't know when but I'm ready and waiting.

I have been playing tag a war with myself over this James issue. I do believe that God has somebody wonderful for me, who I don't know but I'm waiting but I'm focused on getting me ready! Every song this morning reminded me of James..sweetest thing by Lauryn Hill( his fav) and Melanie Fiona- it kills me( it represents so well) I still believe he is everything I wanted in a guy and then some but I also know Im not ready for a relationship- I gotta get me together & Im getting there:) But if God gave me a taste of it before he will give me the whole pkg someday soon.

For some reason I dont feel like I have a bday coming up..Its almost like a dream. I guess cause I remember last years..the worse ever...

As the tears roll.....

As I begin to type, let me say Im truly blessed and grateful for all the things that has happened. I can truly say that God has truly blessed me-This I know! But as I sit here, for some reasons the tears wont stop flowing. First, my dad told my mom this morning that he feels like their being punished. He doesnt know why but that they are being punished cause God hasnt answered our prayers. My mom wanted to run and cry cause she knows God. God will never punish you for doing good and what he knows is right. I constantly brag that my mom has a good heart, will do and take care of anybody. Yeah she can be crazy at times like everybody else but o how good is her heart. I'm striving to be like her. I just think its our time to go thru and when we come out, the blessing for both my sister and I will be so great and so magnificent neither of us could imagine.

Next, James replied to the letter I wrote. Did I email him with hurt, anger, and bitterness in my heart-YES sir! Am I still mad at how he handled the situation and didnt tell me that he was upset we never met? Yes indeed! However, I am beating myself up more for letting him get away! I truly had EVERYTHING I wanted in a man and let it slip away....Again, I cant this relationship thing together. Maybe I meant to be alone or settle. I just had this convo with Tiff last night and was so sure of myself not settling and now not so sure. I let me feelings get in the way of something I have been searching for my entire life. He loved music, sports, food, travel, and carried the intellectual stimulation needed to keep me. Now Ive lost it and I have to wonder does it come back around???? I truly had a thing for James and for the 1st time everybody knew him and liked him. I thought I took a new route with him but I guess the baggage from Marcus was to much!

For now, Im going to take some time and pray and do me! I got alot on my plate and alot I want to accomplish. I made up in my mind today that the pride goes out the window. I hope and pray that James or similar comes back around. For now, I gotta focus on me!

God bless

What a wonderful God he is!!!!

So, this whole month, I have just been having a vibe...An awesome vibe like God is about to work in me, thru me, and around the people I love the most. Its hard to explain but the dream I had this morning was about me working and it was a good dream. The dreams this month have been so good yet, so real. Im motivated, and inspired. I cant ever recall this feeling. I have found some great mentors and about to take my passion and purpose to another level. I feel like a great job is around the corner. I have booted out the people thats not down for the voyage. I thank God for true friends and a loving fam but I also thank him for showing where and how to leave the others behind. I realize that I am capable of loving and know how to love. There is a new me, that says Im sorry and actually has an affectionate side( like those pet names..LOL) Im growing and God I thank you for allowing me to go thru the situation with Marcus, it has taught me so much. No longer do I regret but thank you all day everyday for the lessons that came out of it. I believe the healing is in place and I free again. Free to do and believe in myself. I now realized that I actually liked James more than I cared to believe or let on. He was everything I wanted in a man and then some and for the 1st time I let everyone in my world. EVERYBODY knew him! However, God I know if you brought me that, you will bring someone else or the situation back around.

Watch over my sister, for she about to take a test that she needs to take a career to the next level. For the 1st time ever, she was confident in herself and YOU! She said whatever the outcome maybe she knows you are in control! WOW pretty powerful. Over the last month, I watched you grow inside her on so many levels. So I know you answer prayers. I wish her luck cause you and I both know teaching is her calling..We know you brought her to far to leave her.

A side note, I pray for traveling grace this weekend. Nobody deserves the championship better the Saints. Let it be a great game and the victory be yours in the end.( I think my uncle would never stop talking about this, he has waited for 40 years for this)

I continue to pray for my friends. All have their own battles- finances, family, health,etc. Continue to watch over them and hold their hands.

God the passion and drive is here, Im just waiting on the miracle!

Good Morning...

Good Morning...I am truly blessed...this is not something that came to me but something I keep thanking God for..I guess it keeps me grounded in the mist of the storm...Im so glad I had a talk with my BFF, I have new found respect for and continue to pray for the best...

I have alot to do today, I pray I get it done so I can focus on the things I need to. I am going to do my damnest to get it done... My heart still aches for that special someone but as each day goes on..Im learning about the man for me and I do believe God is preparing me...

Early morning motivation

So I woke up this morning with the plan to get a lot accomplish only to get a phone call from David, the life coach...Anyway, he got me heated on HBCUs & networking... At first I was pissed but as always me to talking to him motivates me to take my game to the next level. Everytime I talk to him, something else pops up in my brain and everytime we talk I have to go back to the drawing board...

Brad sent me a message. And Teddy Bear... God knows Im not attracted to either one so why do I entertain it... Im pushing on without a response...My day is coming, just dont know when...

Reality Check

So I just spent the last few days having a blast...nothing like uncle robert..I thank God everyday for him cause there is no one better:)

I decided to reevaluate my career, life, values, mission...I have to find my purpose cause what I thought I knew, I no longer know. I do believe God has something profound, I just need him to speak a little louder...

I continue to pray for my closest friends. They are the best!!!! Both are battling there own issues but fortunately there is a God heaven that is still in the business of answering prayers. God continue to watch over them and guide them!

As for me, today is a blessing. I get to start all over again... I dont know what thoughts,ideas, or even if any will but Im open to the possibilities...I want it all but only if its his will and his time...See Im learning:)

I had an early morning convo where certain things have stood out! I am on a mission to fulfill ME! I continue to pray and wait on the mate, school, career, in the mean time, fix me GOD!

For some reason I cant get it right..

I know I have been gone for a few days but I have been having the time of my life with my favorite uncle...family seems to always brings out the best in you. However, remember the other day I had made up my mind to move past Marcus and give James a try..well I was a little too late...James has a girl now... I might would be ok with that but you wasnt even man enough to tell me you just got lost.... I cared for and was ready to devote time and energy but you led me on or maybe I led myself into thinking him and I had a chance... I told God I'm tired..I feel like I'm still being punished for the Marcus relationship so I have decided to concentrate solely on me! I faked and told his azz I understand, enjoy, take care... I really wanted to say, kiss my azz, you just like the rest of them Negroes... I thought you were so different, I hyped you up & everybody truly believed in him when I didn't but its the way he did... I cant get it right maybe I'm going to grow old alone.... Who knows but I need God to fix me cause seems like everybody else has it together and I dont even know where she came from I guess ATL or New York for new years... I wish them luck...

Today, I made up my mind....

So I woke this morning with a gospel song in my head...I'm still holding on...Cant seem to shake it...But today I made up mind...I made up my mind that I'm going to push forward...
I made up my mind that I still love him very much but I have to let go ( for now)....
I made up my mind that James, for now you will be.....
I made up my mind to focus on my education and career....
I made up my mind that I have had my last cry over the situation...
I made up my mind that some folks you just have to cut off (its ok)
I made up my mind that you live only once, you make mistakes, learn from them, and go the next phase...
I made up my mind that no matter what I see or hear, that my God holds the power and he hasnt GREAT in store for me.

AMEN!!!

My God told me so but I need an Encore performance

So this morning, I woke up with the same thoughts as usual...Why cant I let go of this man? Honestly, Im trying hard... I stay busy to keep from thinking about him or crying about the situation. My future is so bright that its blinding me:) Yeah, Im excited about what the future holds..God told me it was so( Jeremiah 29:11).. So I hold on this.... Side note...If you know me you know I believe God is a miracle worker...he's done big one's and little one's for me...But I read my horoscope about Aquarius and it was all ME!!!! WOW!!! I dont believe in them but once in a while it scares you...I also read some more fantastic articles about my future and new beginnings and this is when boo #2 comes into place....He is everything I want in a guy but I can't let go of the promise of the 1st...Can somebody fix it or fix me? God you are the God of the Encore- you specialize in repeat performances. So fix it like you did before....

I woke up with Jesus on my mind...

I actually feel like Letoya Luckett when I say Im torn between the two..huh..Im still very much in love with Marcus and everything I see reminds me of him...Marvin Sapp was on Monique show last night and he stated his kids name..why they all start with the letter "M"...see this is the crap I think about..Anyway, songs, his name, when I see his car, etc but I'm so curious about the unknown- James that is.. See we met thru a mutual friend & instantly became a top ten hit! We haven't talked in a bit but when I tell you the curiosity is there and the chemistry is so strong that I feel like the lab is going to explode. On paper he looks great- smart, ambitious, enjoys a good laugh, food, travel, music, and sports.. and we all know this is how you keep me:) When I look to the future James and I can reck havoc on this universe...So I ask God how can you bring something as good this into my life when I'm still holding feelings for someone else? Maybe, once I meet James I can answer this question for myself....It has been almost a year since I last saw Marcus and the healing hasn't even begun....I desire more now than ever before...mind you he has slammed, glued the door shut and threw the keys into the Mississippi river but yet I'm laughing cause I'm willing to climb in and surf them out...crazy..yes...why..IDK...I just know I love this man! The sad part is something in my gut keeps telling me this is not the end...its not over...that he is still hurt but he still loves you...yada yada.. I know move on & let go but something in me wont....cause if he came back tomorrow I would run into his arms like a child who dad just came back from the war. I constantly think about the 1st time we met, the 1st time I EVER said I love you and he said it back, I remember him telling me" this is it, Im done looking" and he meant it- his eyes told me so...As I listen to Melanie Fiona..it kills me...I keep trying to figure out God why if James is the perfect guy( conservative, hasnt been around the block, enjoys great romance, will fly to Paris in a heartbeat, has a great relationship with fam & friends, and career driven) am I stuck on somebody that wants me to hurt as much as he?!?!