Emotional Rollercoaster...

I know, I know the title says it all. It has just described the last days...Ive been on a ride....Let's see I have been disappointed, fussed at God & told him I was done only to get back on my knees & give him praise. I have dissected, put together, and move the past, present, and future in 48 hrs. Every time I say I'm done, God sends his warriors in. Levon calls me singing Donald Lawrence- Encourage Yourself. Now, I love Donald Lawrence as a producer, I think he is by far the best in gospel music but I haven't listen to much of his work. So you know I listened to the song, goggled the lyrics, and immediately fell in love with it. There was a message in it and only God could have sent him to call me.

So yesterday morning while in my early morning talk with God, trying to make sure I understand what it is he wants me to do, cause Hell I don't know anymore, I checked my email. Now normally there is some junk mail and a couple of things in the in box but, there was only one message and it was from Tyler Perry. Now, I'm a huge fan of his. Not so much the plays and movies anymore cause once you seen one you seen them all and you there is going to be a spiritual message at the end, but I love him cause he never gave up. No matter what friends and family say,he continued to believe. As I begin to read the email, I asked God what are you up to? The email was titled "Don't Stop Believing". I read it and cried like a baby, because God always seems to know how to get my attention when I'm soooo ready to give up! I told God the day before that I love James Fortune Song " I trust you testimony" because I so relate. While I'm dishing out spiritual and motivational guidance to everybody else, who is praying for me? By no means am I selfish at least not when it comes to praying for others, because if I put you in my circle, then I support you 210% but sometimes, I want someone to stop and ask God to bless me.I say all that to say, in that song, he talks about all the negative things around him, yet I don't have that. God keeps sending positive people who believe in me. Tyler Perry and James Fortune both keep believing and kept trusting God in spite everyone else. Now there are some haters and nah sayers but I got rid of them along time ago. I only deal with the tried and true. Now Tyler had the gift of play writing and James was working with the youth of the church, so its fitting as for why they couldn't stop believing but I don't know my gift. What am I to believe him to do for me? In the mist of their trials, they continue to cast the plays, and write songs, what am I to do??

Side note...So my BFF & I again cried and shared our deepest thoughts. I told her yesterday if nothing else my situation has made us a lot closer. I mean we have been close since elementary school, we would lose each other but always find our way back. We have always had a bond but nothing like now! God always sees the big picture! Anyway, I told her about my love for him. Yes, him. If you don't know or don't know which him maybe someday you will get it:) Anyway, my love for him runs deep and I mean all the way deep. I cant explain it because it is actually embarrassing. It's something that I talk to God all day about. I say that cause 3 people who care about me so much make me not want to wait on God's spouse and give into temptation, the right now, and stability. 1st Brad sends me a text that he really has something deep to tell me but don't want to offend me. Of course, I'm like what is it now. He tells me he wants me to have a child for him. LOL, seriously.. Don't get me wrong we have a friendship, one that dates back to high school. He has always been honest with me and had my back. About to retire out the military in a few years, great benefits, would give me the world or die trying, what else does a girl need or want? However, he has been married, has 2 kids, hates her, about to be gone for 3 years, etc. I know me, I need companionship, and I need someone whose dreams are going to complement mine and I don't see that. I ask God if he is the one, prove it....
Kevin calls because he loves me. Now, Kevin and I have never kicked it one on one but for some reason he loves me. Now he has a great job at Coke in Augusta, Ga. No kids, can sing well, and really a nice guy. However, for me there is nothing more than friendship. I care but not like I care about "HIM". I told him that but he "keeps believing" so again I ask God to show me!
Byron, SMH...everybody knows about him. He calls out the blue. Talking so damn much. It use to get on my nerves but now its funny as hell! Most of it is garbage or lies but I feel privileged because if every time you call me its out the blue, filled with bull s***, then I'm somebody special. He is ready to be married and have kids. So he asks me who I am talking to and I say nobody and he say what you gay or something... I laugh because you still childish and don't know me. I said no, I love me right now. He said well last time we talked( Jan 1st) you was in love with some guy in ATL. Now I don't know if this is a set up of sorts but he knew about Marcus and everything about it! So it is what it is...

I had 3 guys call in the same day but I would trade them all in for "HIM" I got the strangest text from Marcus Gaut last night. Lately he sends me random text, this one was after 10pm, and it said- thinking, I am blessed to know u & have experienced your love. Rest well & may the coming day be as beautiful as u... I said thanks bunches and same to you! God bless! He replied, rest well & keep doing U! I don't know what this means and why he sent this, but I'm going to take it for what it is....Another way God is watching out for me!

and so the tears rolled again..

So every time I ask God to just show me, he shows me what I don't want to see or hear. I found out the job, I really wanted and hyped myself up for, I didn't get it. Why, IDK but I don't want to hear he got a bigger blessing, he working behind the scenes, and all that. I'm totally exhausted in this fight. I thank him for friends like Kim, who truly listens to my heart. I don't know where to go or began again. Not sure if I even want to...I just here and continue to cry and hope at some point my tears will extinguish themselves..

All over the place...please stop

So I went to bed, finishing with the chapters of my books and laying out the foundation for my nonprofit. I had just spent the day going down memory lane and reconnecting with some people I did and didn't need to connect with..LOL.. but it was all worth it. Now, my bff is on this kick to open a charter school, when I just got azz to apply to MBA program. I thought I was all over the place, evidently this crap is contagious! I cant focus on one thing..

I have been reading Monica the singer blog...She is truly a woman of faith! I love her inspiration and belief in God! I also read the wedding bliss of Essence email this morning- I immediately thought of James and I. Why? IDK...I was like God you and I have had this convo, why are doing this???? I love the story of Ayana and Duriel. I pray it works out for them!

I'm suppose to writing brochures, and proposals for the part time job, emailing the lady from the full time job in DC that I have been patiently waiting to here from but I'm losing it. I need to be studying for my 2 test in June. I'm everywhere. I need help to focus.

This brain is in overdrive..God help!

a little bit better

Today seems to be starting out better...at least for me right now... I am having a hard time with this time change..just cant seem to get it right..

Anyway, I went to bed with Levon going under listening to James Fortune, I trust you testimony. I'm telling you, this is my new anthem. I feel him in the song. People always look to you for motivation, inspiration, and guidance. However, little do they know, that you need somebody to pray for you. You need to know that God has not left you. I'm not saying I don't whats best for my family and friends cause Lord knows I wouldn't pray for them, with them if I didn't. I keep asking God whats the purpose for this storm- show me. And like the song he keeps telling me to wait cause even if I told you, you wouldn't believe me- I think that is the part that burns my soul- cause he right, if I saw the blessing out of it, I would be like naw that's not for me...

I woke up singing Wait on the Lord by Fred Hammond & John P Kee. I love this song as well. Soon as I came to this morning, the lyrics were in beaded in my head...

As I past on the daily word this morning...I came across this.....

We fail to wait on God’s timing. For example,
perhaps the Lord has given you an assurance
that He picked out a spouse for you. But years
pass and nothing seems to happen. Don’t get
impatient; the Father is preparing that person
for you—getting him or her ready for marriage.
Don’t rush into something or try to pressure
the Lord. People miss out on wonderful gifts
because they fail to wait on God’s timing.
This is something I wrestle with... I had a talk with my sister this weekend and she said marry Brad or Lee, the guys in the military. She said they have wonderful benefits and you and your kids will be set for life. Now, this I know and believe however Brad already has been thru a nasty ugly divorce, has 2 boys and not sure if he wants more. He lives in Baton Rouge and frugal as hell. Now all this is ok but I'm not attracted to him. Yeah we went to high school together and maybe once or twice we attempted to start something but it never panned it out. However, now that I am older and been there and done that I truly know what I do and don't want. I feel like I'm not meant to be a military wife. I have prayed about and I know both are friends of mine but I cant see them and me together long term. Lee I wanted him before he went into the military but now I just cant see us together, still cant. Only God Knows( 112 song) my heart! But the pressure is so on to just settle. However the wise women of my family keeping saying wait and you will know when its right.

I do believe God has picked out my husband and is molding us for each other. I keep telling my BFF, that I feel it. He took me thru the Marcus deal to prepare me for him. I dont know how long the preparation is going to take but I know I will be EVERY WOMAN!

It started out rocky but he always pulls thru

Ok so I started the morning out real rocky! Crying, nervous wreck.... I'm ready for my blessing.. Yeah, I know its not on my time but his...I didn't want to eat, talk to anybody, etc. However, God always knows how to sit me down and pay attention. I was surfing thru jamglue for the James Fortune song Encore, cause God knows I need a repeat performance but I found a song called I trust you testimony and it said everything I felt and then some. It helped dry the tears. Then I had an hour and a half convo with my BFF on life, Fidel, James, and the blessings to come. I see my dreams unfolding before my very eyes. I wrote out my nonprofit plans and the titles to my five books. Yes, I know I use to hate writing and now I cant stop:) People use to ask how you hate writing and want to go to law school, thats all they do. I would say IDK but I see God working it out. I see my books becoming best sellers and my nonprofit helping people in so many ways in the fight to eliminate health disparities. If I can just get the people to call about this job, Levon is ready to move me, Kim is ready to visit and decorate, and Qua is ready for the CBC event!

God Continue to work on me...I know you have a blessing that if somebody told me I would say they were lying. So keep me near and in the mean time I'm going to continue to fight this battle on my knees.

It continues...

So I just left church and something came over me...hmmm I don't know what it is but something made me write. I promise God is using me in more ways than one. I keep looking at "my season" and I know season change but everyday I feel a stronger connection to God. Like I know he is talking to me. I continue to thank him for his many blessings.. For my situation, for the people that have served their purpose, and the people he keeps around me. They are truly a blessing. So last night I started writing what purpose people serve in my life right now but I am curious as to what purpose I serve in theirs.

I have sooo much to do today and so many thoughts, wishes, laughs, and tears to shed but until later..I'll continue to be sweet, sexy, sassy,smart, and sensual:)

Im addicted....

Yes, I am totally addicted to blogs now....Its sad but I swear its harmless and therapeutic all in the same breathe. I laugh at some, smh @ others, and cry at others. All the while I'm learning, learning about people, society, and me...Ill be back later but I had to tell you about my latest and greatest hobby:)