Emotional Rollercoaster...

I know, I know the title says it all. It has just described the last days...Ive been on a ride....Let's see I have been disappointed, fussed at God & told him I was done only to get back on my knees & give him praise. I have dissected, put together, and move the past, present, and future in 48 hrs. Every time I say I'm done, God sends his warriors in. Levon calls me singing Donald Lawrence- Encourage Yourself. Now, I love Donald Lawrence as a producer, I think he is by far the best in gospel music but I haven't listen to much of his work. So you know I listened to the song, goggled the lyrics, and immediately fell in love with it. There was a message in it and only God could have sent him to call me.

So yesterday morning while in my early morning talk with God, trying to make sure I understand what it is he wants me to do, cause Hell I don't know anymore, I checked my email. Now normally there is some junk mail and a couple of things in the in box but, there was only one message and it was from Tyler Perry. Now, I'm a huge fan of his. Not so much the plays and movies anymore cause once you seen one you seen them all and you there is going to be a spiritual message at the end, but I love him cause he never gave up. No matter what friends and family say,he continued to believe. As I begin to read the email, I asked God what are you up to? The email was titled "Don't Stop Believing". I read it and cried like a baby, because God always seems to know how to get my attention when I'm soooo ready to give up! I told God the day before that I love James Fortune Song " I trust you testimony" because I so relate. While I'm dishing out spiritual and motivational guidance to everybody else, who is praying for me? By no means am I selfish at least not when it comes to praying for others, because if I put you in my circle, then I support you 210% but sometimes, I want someone to stop and ask God to bless me.I say all that to say, in that song, he talks about all the negative things around him, yet I don't have that. God keeps sending positive people who believe in me. Tyler Perry and James Fortune both keep believing and kept trusting God in spite everyone else. Now there are some haters and nah sayers but I got rid of them along time ago. I only deal with the tried and true. Now Tyler had the gift of play writing and James was working with the youth of the church, so its fitting as for why they couldn't stop believing but I don't know my gift. What am I to believe him to do for me? In the mist of their trials, they continue to cast the plays, and write songs, what am I to do??

Side note...So my BFF & I again cried and shared our deepest thoughts. I told her yesterday if nothing else my situation has made us a lot closer. I mean we have been close since elementary school, we would lose each other but always find our way back. We have always had a bond but nothing like now! God always sees the big picture! Anyway, I told her about my love for him. Yes, him. If you don't know or don't know which him maybe someday you will get it:) Anyway, my love for him runs deep and I mean all the way deep. I cant explain it because it is actually embarrassing. It's something that I talk to God all day about. I say that cause 3 people who care about me so much make me not want to wait on God's spouse and give into temptation, the right now, and stability. 1st Brad sends me a text that he really has something deep to tell me but don't want to offend me. Of course, I'm like what is it now. He tells me he wants me to have a child for him. LOL, seriously.. Don't get me wrong we have a friendship, one that dates back to high school. He has always been honest with me and had my back. About to retire out the military in a few years, great benefits, would give me the world or die trying, what else does a girl need or want? However, he has been married, has 2 kids, hates her, about to be gone for 3 years, etc. I know me, I need companionship, and I need someone whose dreams are going to complement mine and I don't see that. I ask God if he is the one, prove it....
Kevin calls because he loves me. Now, Kevin and I have never kicked it one on one but for some reason he loves me. Now he has a great job at Coke in Augusta, Ga. No kids, can sing well, and really a nice guy. However, for me there is nothing more than friendship. I care but not like I care about "HIM". I told him that but he "keeps believing" so again I ask God to show me!
Byron, SMH...everybody knows about him. He calls out the blue. Talking so damn much. It use to get on my nerves but now its funny as hell! Most of it is garbage or lies but I feel privileged because if every time you call me its out the blue, filled with bull s***, then I'm somebody special. He is ready to be married and have kids. So he asks me who I am talking to and I say nobody and he say what you gay or something... I laugh because you still childish and don't know me. I said no, I love me right now. He said well last time we talked( Jan 1st) you was in love with some guy in ATL. Now I don't know if this is a set up of sorts but he knew about Marcus and everything about it! So it is what it is...

I had 3 guys call in the same day but I would trade them all in for "HIM" I got the strangest text from Marcus Gaut last night. Lately he sends me random text, this one was after 10pm, and it said- thinking, I am blessed to know u & have experienced your love. Rest well & may the coming day be as beautiful as u... I said thanks bunches and same to you! God bless! He replied, rest well & keep doing U! I don't know what this means and why he sent this, but I'm going to take it for what it is....Another way God is watching out for me!