Thank you....

I apologize....I know its been awhile but I have been busy...I know you like not too busy to write?!?!? Well, I have so much is going on...Life is finally starting to come together but this morning I woke up with peace! Yes, peace...peace of mind that God is in control of this vessel. I am so thankful for the positive, inspirational, children of his that he keeps around me. I am so ready for the next phase...it has so much promise and hope to better a blessing and fantastic!!!! I thank you for the dream, purpose, and passion to see it thru!

My soul is burning for the IT & HIM.....

I say this cause I am so ready to experience it! I am so ready for the IT- a job! I have not been unemployed since I left college. I know some people who are like I hate it so be happy but thats just not me. I love to stay busy it keeps me out of stuff, from the devil on my back, and it gives me a paycheck. I pray every night that God opens that door, when?IDK. Hopefully soon, I keep asking him to reveal my passion if its not what I think it is...Still I get no answers..Everyday that I get no hope, the more my soul burns. Yes, its a recession and a new group of kids from college will be entering the full time work force soon, what is a girl to do? I just keep searching for answers....

The Him... Wow,I pray for him more than I pray for myself...Its true- I love this man...Nobody understands it( yeah Kim you get it) But see he brings me joy. You see even as I type this I'm smiling thinking of him.He is the type of brotha that makes most sista jealous cause see he is hard to find and a keeper. Yeah wish I had know him 2 years ago might be better off...I wake up with him and go to sleep with him. I see him in my tunnel vision and deep escapades. I see him with no one else is around.Yeah I know God you my #1 and no he is not you but he is of your image. You know the rest....

It sticks to my gut....

So my BFF and I have been trying to get her finances in order all day and it brought up the topic of "equally yoked" . I said you must be marry somebody that financially you have the same thoughts and interests. I said you and your husband are both the same- financially undisciplined! Yes, I said it but it bothers me on how much time she spends on a budget only to go against it.Yes,I know its her life and I thank God everyday for Phillip. Yes, he gave me discipline at a time when I had none financially. So it brought me to the following article and the part that sticks at my gut. Dating Trait #5- Wow, he enriches your life! This means the most to me out of all 5 traits. cause I believe on some level every man gives you 1-4, either in the beginning and it stops, or he learns, or its just a given. But #5 is something most girls,gals,women, and ladies don't look for. Most women don't ever get this in a lifetime and I had that. Someone who gave me that and then some. Who was suppose to help me conquer the world together. So when I read the part in turquoise my gut immediately cringed. Why? Cause once you experience you NEVER ever want to go back to someone who doesn't. He encouraged on all 3 levels- personally(the move- I told you he had me in tears); Professionally(He was saving the world with his Wonder Woman); and Spiritually(Oct 13th- I fell in love- he says remember we make plans, and God makes plans)...


Dating Trait #1: He listens to you

The best way to know if Mr. Next is interested in (and worthy of) being a candidate for Mr. Right? He listens to you. You'll know he's listening when he shows genuine concern, consistently remembers things you've told him (your birthday, favorite food, best friend's name, etc.), and offers emotional support in honest and thoughtful ways.

Dating Trait #2: He connects with you easily

We've all been in those relationships that take W-O-R-K (and suck the life force out of us in the process). When a relationship works on its own, it feels effortless, easy, and fluid. You don't have to force anything, forgive anyone, or turn a blind eye to red flags or gut-twisters. Instead, you communicate and collaborate with comfort, compatibility, and undeniable chemistry. If and when you experience this kind of interaction, you are on to something really special.

Dating Trait #3: He wants the real you

So often, women feel the need to sacrifice some part of themselves to make a relationship work. In the right relationship, there's no need. You don't have to hide, tone down, or apologize for any aspect of you or your fabulous life. With the right partner, you're not only able to be yourself, but you're better able to be the best version of your most authentic self -- no compromises needed.

Dating Trait #4: He's trustworthy

A relationship without trust is doomed from the start. But a relationship with abundant trust? A fabulous foundation for real and lasting love! Built over time, trust is based on the simple belief system that your partner has your best interests at heart and will never intentionally hurt you (and vice versa). If and when you discover that Mr. Next is 100 percent trustworthy, you'll have no trouble giving your heart to him. In return, he'll most likely give you his heart and pave the way for a lasting, loving relationship to unfold.

Dating Trait #5: He enriches your life

In the wrong relationship, your partner tears you to emotional shreds, brings you down, and in general drains your energy. In the right relationship, he enriches your life, inspires you to be your best self, and brings a sense of peace and possibility to you. You'll know Mr. Next is enriching your life if and when he encourages and supports you professionally, personally, and spiritually. And when he does, he may just be Mr. Right!

Dear God, please and I say please if its within your will please give me another chance to experience JJB again. If not him, please send someone that possess the characteristics he had and then some! Amen!

nothing new

Yeah,I know its been a minute since you last spoke to me...Let's see not much has changed! I have spent the week researching nonprofits particularly Bill and Melinda Gates Foundation.I knew there was a lot into setting up nonprofits but nothing like I imagined. So, I am so excited about what is to come from mine. Tell you more later...

Now everyone knows Im a dreamer but the latest are too real. I'm sitting on Oprah sharing my story of how my foundation came about. Tyler Perry there. Kim, Levon, Qua, My sis, Tiff, my mom, my mother in law, my husband with our 1 year old son. You ask who is the husband??? All I am going to say is I saw his face and its some made in God's image:) But the dream was so real and so much fun. You know I believe dreams do come true if you just believe. That's why I'm looking for a job that is going to help me accomplish that.

Kim and I have next week planned to make vision boards together. We have been saying it for months and months and finally decided to do it. Qua and I are planting a garden with flowers that are beautiful and represent us. Levon and I are gearing up for Sundays best and BET Gospel celebration- you know how BeBe and CeCe do:)

Anyway,I continue to pray that God answers my prayers along with my friends and family.until later..

God's Grace..SMH...

It's funny how it takes going thru a storm to truly feel God's grace! I can't explain, I want to but just can't find the words, In due season, I guess. So this whole weekend was a little different from previous ones. I started out Fri watching Why Did I get married? I love this movie! I saw some of my friends in each of the characters:)

Saturday began slow, but I am grateful to God for answering small favors!( Congrats yoyo on passing the math section of the Praxis, just got reading to go this weekend). Then again Movie say. All my favorites came on the Wood, Brown Sugar, Daddy's Little Girl, Stomp the Yard! I love them; all that was missing was Love Jones, and Jason's Lyric.

Sunday was a little different. First it was snowing so I couldn't go to church so I ended up watching Franklin Avenue Baptist Church online. The scripture was my favorite bible verse- Jeremiah29:11- I know the plans I have for you....it beginnings. This reassurance lets me know the father is working for my good. I continued the day by watching Why Did I get married and putting together my destiny. I went to bed with 3 thoughts...

I woke up this morning with a migraine that had me nausea but the same 3 thoughts were there. I don't know how to explain it or who to tell it to. However, there is a feeling that sticks my gut! 1st- I have watched God work his magic on my sister. What I mean is, she is truly growing up in so many ways. She still has along way to go but I see progress that I would have never thought I would see. Thank you God! Thank you!

Next, I heard something this weekend I never thought I would hear along with the facial expression that meant she was serious about it. My mom said she is so looking forward to next year this time. She is retiring and looks forward to traveling. Well, this I knew but its the words after this, that rendered me speechless. She said I'm going spend a week with my oldest sister, going stay and hang out with my brother, I'm going Beaumont and see my aunt. I'm going to take a train ride, I'm going to Conroe with my class, etc. I know you wodnering what's so wrong with this..well if you know my mom she don't like to be bothered with people. If she going with her girls, or Teedie that's one thing but to travel by herself and see her sister that gets on her nerves, to travel to New Orleans by herself, and want to spend time with her classmates is truly unheard of. However, there is a burning inside of me that can't wait for next year so she can live it out. I want to help in every way I can. I love it when her and Uncle Robert ( brother)get together its like a big brother protecting his lil sis and as far Aunt Rose, there is a bond, a bond of care and this is my big sis! I can't wait for her to live it up! Go mama, Go!

Lastly, every movie I watched this weekend had a love story in it. A good one, one that either made me say...awww( stomp the yard) or cry( Daddy's little Girl). However, for some reason. I can't get the feeling out of my gut, that God has me in preparation mode. I don't why I have this feeling, I just do and the feeling strong. I don't know who and when he is going to show up but I have the feeling soon. I just do! So in the meantime, I have to find my purpose and passion. I know what I THOUGHT is was but I'm not so sure anymore. I am leaning on God for understanding cause I have no clue. So in the meantime in between time, I gotta figure out this career, school, nonprofit, family and friends thing.

Emotional Rollercoaster...

I know, I know the title says it all. It has just described the last days...Ive been on a ride....Let's see I have been disappointed, fussed at God & told him I was done only to get back on my knees & give him praise. I have dissected, put together, and move the past, present, and future in 48 hrs. Every time I say I'm done, God sends his warriors in. Levon calls me singing Donald Lawrence- Encourage Yourself. Now, I love Donald Lawrence as a producer, I think he is by far the best in gospel music but I haven't listen to much of his work. So you know I listened to the song, goggled the lyrics, and immediately fell in love with it. There was a message in it and only God could have sent him to call me.

So yesterday morning while in my early morning talk with God, trying to make sure I understand what it is he wants me to do, cause Hell I don't know anymore, I checked my email. Now normally there is some junk mail and a couple of things in the in box but, there was only one message and it was from Tyler Perry. Now, I'm a huge fan of his. Not so much the plays and movies anymore cause once you seen one you seen them all and you there is going to be a spiritual message at the end, but I love him cause he never gave up. No matter what friends and family say,he continued to believe. As I begin to read the email, I asked God what are you up to? The email was titled "Don't Stop Believing". I read it and cried like a baby, because God always seems to know how to get my attention when I'm soooo ready to give up! I told God the day before that I love James Fortune Song " I trust you testimony" because I so relate. While I'm dishing out spiritual and motivational guidance to everybody else, who is praying for me? By no means am I selfish at least not when it comes to praying for others, because if I put you in my circle, then I support you 210% but sometimes, I want someone to stop and ask God to bless me.I say all that to say, in that song, he talks about all the negative things around him, yet I don't have that. God keeps sending positive people who believe in me. Tyler Perry and James Fortune both keep believing and kept trusting God in spite everyone else. Now there are some haters and nah sayers but I got rid of them along time ago. I only deal with the tried and true. Now Tyler had the gift of play writing and James was working with the youth of the church, so its fitting as for why they couldn't stop believing but I don't know my gift. What am I to believe him to do for me? In the mist of their trials, they continue to cast the plays, and write songs, what am I to do??

Side note...So my BFF & I again cried and shared our deepest thoughts. I told her yesterday if nothing else my situation has made us a lot closer. I mean we have been close since elementary school, we would lose each other but always find our way back. We have always had a bond but nothing like now! God always sees the big picture! Anyway, I told her about my love for him. Yes, him. If you don't know or don't know which him maybe someday you will get it:) Anyway, my love for him runs deep and I mean all the way deep. I cant explain it because it is actually embarrassing. It's something that I talk to God all day about. I say that cause 3 people who care about me so much make me not want to wait on God's spouse and give into temptation, the right now, and stability. 1st Brad sends me a text that he really has something deep to tell me but don't want to offend me. Of course, I'm like what is it now. He tells me he wants me to have a child for him. LOL, seriously.. Don't get me wrong we have a friendship, one that dates back to high school. He has always been honest with me and had my back. About to retire out the military in a few years, great benefits, would give me the world or die trying, what else does a girl need or want? However, he has been married, has 2 kids, hates her, about to be gone for 3 years, etc. I know me, I need companionship, and I need someone whose dreams are going to complement mine and I don't see that. I ask God if he is the one, prove it....
Kevin calls because he loves me. Now, Kevin and I have never kicked it one on one but for some reason he loves me. Now he has a great job at Coke in Augusta, Ga. No kids, can sing well, and really a nice guy. However, for me there is nothing more than friendship. I care but not like I care about "HIM". I told him that but he "keeps believing" so again I ask God to show me!
Byron, SMH...everybody knows about him. He calls out the blue. Talking so damn much. It use to get on my nerves but now its funny as hell! Most of it is garbage or lies but I feel privileged because if every time you call me its out the blue, filled with bull s***, then I'm somebody special. He is ready to be married and have kids. So he asks me who I am talking to and I say nobody and he say what you gay or something... I laugh because you still childish and don't know me. I said no, I love me right now. He said well last time we talked( Jan 1st) you was in love with some guy in ATL. Now I don't know if this is a set up of sorts but he knew about Marcus and everything about it! So it is what it is...

I had 3 guys call in the same day but I would trade them all in for "HIM" I got the strangest text from Marcus Gaut last night. Lately he sends me random text, this one was after 10pm, and it said- thinking, I am blessed to know u & have experienced your love. Rest well & may the coming day be as beautiful as u... I said thanks bunches and same to you! God bless! He replied, rest well & keep doing U! I don't know what this means and why he sent this, but I'm going to take it for what it is....Another way God is watching out for me!

and so the tears rolled again..

So every time I ask God to just show me, he shows me what I don't want to see or hear. I found out the job, I really wanted and hyped myself up for, I didn't get it. Why, IDK but I don't want to hear he got a bigger blessing, he working behind the scenes, and all that. I'm totally exhausted in this fight. I thank him for friends like Kim, who truly listens to my heart. I don't know where to go or began again. Not sure if I even want to...I just here and continue to cry and hope at some point my tears will extinguish themselves..